MENTAL HEALTH ROMANTICIZATION: HOW IT IMPACTED ME

TW: this article references things which may be sensitive, including: talk of mental illness, and brief, non graphic reference of self harm and eating disorders.

as intersectional feminists, the importance of encompassing the mentally ill community in our movement cannot be stressed enough. being a member of multiple marginalized groups, it’s a key feature of my feminism (and moral compass) to never stay quiet while others face injustice. this piece is a discussion of how romanticization has shaped my view and role regarding the mentally ill community. thanks for reading!

having struggled with mental illness for as long as i can remember, i was used to this important topic being brushed under the rug. so, needless to say, when i joined tumblr, instagram and other sites, i was shocked to see people actually having conversations about mental health. i was also intrigued. as these platforms gained in popularity, things changed. up until about 2013, there was a widespread acceptance (and high amounts of affection for) the romanticization of certain illnesses such as depression, anxiety and eating disorders on social media. people would try and make something that to me, was so ugly and life shattering, beautiful. it even became perceived as cool or interesting to be mentally ill, instead of how it really felt to me: like a death sentence.

for a while, i indulged in this apparent trivialization despite how harmful it felt to me. everyone i knew did, too. this included sharing images of self harm, bulimia, and other disorders. quotes that were transposed over such images would say something that if ever heard coming out of a real person’s mouth, would cause alarm. people i never suspected of having any mental health issues reblogged these things. my 3 am poetry spread around quite rapidly, which described the deeply tormented mental state i was trapped in. needless to say, it was intense. due to the acceptance of disturbing images of anorexic teenage girls and self harm, i became numb to my own mental handicaps. instead of looking for ways to cope constructively, i thought this was normal. because it was.

and then things changed. around three years ago, people stopped thinking this kind of behavior was supportive of the mentally ill community. up until this point, i had ignored my discomforts with trivializing photos or text posts - thinking that they were a kind of support for the community, and more than that, for myself. afterall, i had sworn social media was an outlet. but after i learned other people found it odd, i realized that for me, personally, romanticizing my illness was causing me to hold onto destructive tendencies. i quickly angered when i watched others do this practice, especially when i suspected they were disingenuous. when i went to the tumblr of a girl who i knew didn’t have anxiety attacks all night the way i did, i blew up when i saw she had reblogged a post about how her mind was “destroying her”. i would go on rants on social media, telling people to stop posting things online.

i pretended to not know why others wanted these personal details to be shared with strangers - why there were jokes about suicide always on my twitter feed, photos of self harm on my dashboard. i acted like i couldn’t relate to wanting people to think i was cool because my whole life felt like a challenge. but in reality, i was being intolerant and both mean and wrong. who cares if that girl really had anxiety the way i did? how did that impact me at all? if it helped her in any way to reblog that post, why was i one to judge? instead of becoming supportive of other people, i soured. and i fell into a trap.

i assumed everyone experienced their mental health dilemmas the same ways in which i do, and in assuming this, i became unsupportive of my own community. the real issue i had with romanticization was how neurotypicals were using something they couldn’t relate to as a trend. i was hypocritical by making something that should’ve only stayed about my own community about the people who oppressed us, about people who would never relate to us, or be us. i realize now that it was neurotypicals who were bothered by this (as they rightfully should’ve been), and successfully made me feel as though i was doing something wrong.

because in truth, no one experiences anything the same way. the mentally ill community is large, dense, and diverse. while it was definitely unhealthy for me to romanticize my own illness, and it was new widespread discomfort with it that made me realize this, i was wrong to put a blanket over everyone struggling. i angered when i knew people were looking for sympathy, but in reality this is only because that wasn’t something i did. i have always had a strong support system and didn’t realize not everyone does. i shouldn’t have assumed that everyone was being self indulgent, numbing themselves to real issues that weren’t okay. because that isn’t what sharing things on the internet means to so many people. i was wrong to assume i knew what people were motivated by.

instead of helping people or reaching out to those who appeared to feel similarly to me, i closed a window on their fingertips. i bittered when i realized they were publicizing their demons. it never occurred to me that this might be how people cope. and again, the discomfort many felt towards this romanticization, this public display of suffering, was because they couldn’t relate. because they didn’t like seeing people struggle, it makes people uncomfortable. i wasn’t wrong in romanticizing my illness, i was misguided, but that was personal. not everyone is.

the idea of trivialization in romanticization is complicated. i still have many questions about it, like: who is supposed to say what’s right and wrong? and can we, as mentally ill people, be partaking in something detrimental to our own community, while also finding comfort in it? does that make it wrong? am i really romanticizing these things, if i feel them myself? this topic is a debate constantly ensuing in my mind.

but if this experience with exposure to the internet’s dealing with mental health taught me one thing, it’s to judge less than i aim to support.

until next week,

harr.

xx